7: Deadline
This one starts at 12 am on Sunday morning.
I had just seen a slack message that basically went
“Why haven’t you sent this to me yet? This has happened before, multiple times”
I had missed my deadline for a deliverable by about 8 hours. I initially opened slack for the very purpose of this deliverable, to send the link to the work I had done.
The fact is the fact. I missed a deadline without a prior explanation or a timely request for an extension.
My chest immediately clamped up and my heart started beating…
faster.
faster still.
I sent the link and an apology. Another apology. I hate these apologies. I hate being in this situation.
I know it all too well. I have been here before, multiple times.
Incase you are new here: My name is Mo Isu. I am an audio producer based in Lagos, Nigeria. I am currently attempting to build a career in audio journalism. I have taught myself everything I know so far. You are reading issue 7 of my newsletter detailing this segment of my journey.
The Never ending problem
I entered the labour market in 2017. The same year, my depression and anxiety got to all-new high levels; I first experienced heartbreak; my identity and self-image experienced their most treacherous conflict.
It was in 2017 that my self-confidence disappeared and still hasn’t quite returned.
I think university played the biggest part. I did not have an inflated sense of self. I did not think I was some incredibly intelligent person, I knew I wasn’t. But I think I was very sure of myself and the place I held in the world. I was modestly intelligent and had a very healthy curiosity. I did not top my class constantly but I topped it a few times and in a few subjects. I had won prizes in primary school and even skipped a class. I was middle of the pack in junior secondary school but in senior secondary school stayed in the top set of students.
I loved maths and physics and computer science and I never doubted my ability to solve a problem. Give me enough time and I believed I would figure it out. This was my mindset going into university.
This mindset began to break in my second year.
The course was SSG 204 I believe.
Numerical methods.
It was a mathematics course.
I loved mathematics.
The exam lasted 3 hours long.
It was tough as hell.
I could not finish all the questions.
I loved it.
I was sure I’d get an A.
Then the results came out and I got an F. I was…
my heart started beating…
I was…
confused
Confident that there was a mistake. It wouldn't matter in the end. Nothing would be done about it. The lecturer would not pay me any mind. And this experience would become commonplace.
2017 started out fine enough. I got my first writing gig that year which gave me quite a bit of confident. But my internship in March stole that away. There was something about the place I worked, about the way we worked, about my failings, it crippled me. I wasn’t getting things. I was making lots of mistakes and I really felt it was me, I wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t get anything right. I was a failure. And time didn’t matter. Things I used to be sure of, maths, physics, computer science. I couldn’t do any of it. I failed all of it. And time did not matter
“Why haven’t you sent this to me yet? This has happened before, multiple times”
I received a similar message to this a couple of months ago. I was working on a different project and I had grossly under-estimated how much time/effort it would take and how far stretched thin I was. The person I was working with sent me this after I sent in my apology.
”…That said, I know you know better, and I hope for all our sakes, but yours more than anyone else, that you will do better…
so you are able to do your work in an as stress free environment as possible” - J
For context, I have a history with J. I used to work for her full-time. I remember when I first started working for her, I dealt with a lot of this deadline anxiety. This anxiety of failing someone. I think I have been lucky so far to really only work with people I respect greatly. J is one of the biggest one of these people. Leading up to when I worked for her, I admired the work she did and we were friends. But when I started working for her, I struggled greatly. I struggled to communicate and I might have struggled to focus. But I also just struggled to do good work.
This really is the never-ending problem. The struggle to do good work. I think everything about just starting out is this. It is a struggle to do good work. I struggle with other things as well: the thought of being a failure* for one. But everything about work is a struggle to be good. At least it feels like a struggle when you start from a position of not having self-confidence.
Every time I miss a deadline, every time I get a scolding, every time I disappoint someone, it goes right to the struggle. It emphasizes the struggle. It tugs at the place where the struggle is. And for a moment there, I fear that the struggle will never end. I fear that I will never find confidence again.
I fear that I will never be good enough. This has been one of my biggest fears for my entire working life. That I won’t progress to a level higher than beginner. That the process of work, it will always be a struggle. And I will always miss deadlines. And I will always disappoint people…
Post Script
I wrote this newsletter last week when it was supposed to come out but I just kind of held back on sending it out. Not sure why. This is it now, 4 days later. I know this has happened before. The irony of a newsletter about missing deadlines missing it’s deadline is not lost on me. See you on Thursday with issue 8.
*being a failure
I need to add a caveat to me saying I think I am a failure. This doesn’t mean that I am resgined to simply being a failure. I recognise my previous failings and my possibility to fail in the future but I do not imagine that failure is inevitable. It’s just another thing about life, it happens, you learn (or you don’t) but you keep moving forward.
Some Links
You can find the company I work for (voix collective) on Twitter and Instagram @voixcollective. Please follow us.
I am currently working on a series of stories for a short project and I am looking for subjects that fit the following bills
- Have you ever been a really bad date? Like so bad, it tarnished your memory of a song type bad?
- Have you ever been catfished?
- What is something you have done once and never see yourself ever doing again?
Do you have answers to any of the above questions? Please message me on twitter @mo_isu_ OR you can email me at isuthewriter@gmail.com
Read the about page for Act Two, I am proud of it
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